


Happier

by foreverwayward



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cute, F/M, Fluff, Heartache, Hurt Dean Winchester, Love, Sad, Sad Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:22:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23207686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverwayward/pseuds/foreverwayward
Summary: (Written in Dean’s POV) Dean had fallen in love, more so than he ever had. And after an impossible decision is made, he is forced to deal with a new reality.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Original Female Character(s), Dean Winchester/Reader, Dean Winchester/You
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	Happier

As I aimlessly wander, the rain is really starting to come down tonight. I pop my jacket collar to keep the cold at bay with my head hung low and my hands buried in my pockets. I can’t remember the last time I looked up or the last time you weren’t all that was on my mind.

This weather would have been your favorite. The way you always came alive in the rain was like magic. 

I remember that day in Oregon like it was yesterday. Your hair was soaked, your clothes clinging to your wet skin. But, your smile was brighter than the lightning. I knew it was in those moments that you finally felt free.

You pulled me out into the pouring rain and it crashed down around us. I watched you dance, your hands up as you spun in circles with your face tilted towards the heavens. 

That was the moment I knew I loved you.

I ran to you and picked you up. You squealed and wrapped your arms around my neck as I held you close and swung you around. We laughed like kids who didn’t have a care in the world, like all that existed was us. Sometimes, I swear I can still hear your laugh.

You only became a hunter after what had happened to you, after Sam and I had found your case. Before that, you had no idea what kind of nightmarish world we lived in. We took you under our wing, selfishly. Knowing you were too stubborn to sit on the sidelines after learning the truth, we needed to keep you safe.

We grew so close. You, Sam, and I were a team. I fell for you harder than I ever thought possible and knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you. You were the one--and, I don’t say that lightly. 

When we finally let things take their course between us, it was like blazing fire. Both of us got swept away in it and we found a whirlwind romance that kept us warm at night and strong in the day. You were my other half, the other side of my coin, my best friend.

But, things changed. I don’t know when or how, but they did. The job got between us, the loss of people we loved created wounds that we couldn’t heal. We began to fight. It was always something stupid, or just the pain of it all coming out in the wrong ways. Neither of us knew how to really be with someone. We were so alike and so different in every way. Sam called us fire and ice.

Soon, the fights became time apart, unspoken words, and lonely nights without you. I would always regret every word I said in anger and every time I pushed you away. 

It wasn’t until you nearly died that night because of me that I realized I couldn’t let this be your life. Sam and I, this is all we know. But you? You still had a chance at a normal life, to be free. Of course, you became one of the most badass hunters I will ever know, but the thought of losing you like that was too much.

But, if I’m honest, it wasn’t just that. I knew I was never going to be what you deserved. I could never offer you more than take-out menus, cheap motels, endless days on the road, danger always looming over us, never being certain we would survive the next hunt; I could never get my shit together to be the man you needed me to be. And I’m so sorry for that. I’m sorry I never learned how to be enough.

Watching you barely coming out of your coma, covered in bloody bandages and a cast on your leg and arm, brought me so much guilt. It was my fault you were there that night. And it was my fault that I didn’t get there in time.

I’ll never forget standing at your bedside, your weak hand in mine. Your bruised face looked up at me and you winced as you tried to smirk. I told you I loved you and gently kissed your cut lip. The pain in my chest made it feel like I had stopped breathing and releasing your lips from mine was like a knife in my gut. I knew it would be our last--I knew it would be our goodbye.

I told you I needed to go take care of things, that I would be back later. I don’t know if lying to you is what hurt most, or the fact that it would be the last thing I ever said to you. I walked out of the room and stood in the window of your hospital room. My sight went blurry from the tears filling my eyes and the lump in my throat wouldn’t let me swallow.

Cas walked by and put a gentle hand on my shoulder, he paused and asked if it was really what I wanted. I told him it wasn’t, but it was what needed to happen.

He took a minute before going in to see you. Your sweet face lit up when you saw him; you always felt a bond with him. But, as he stood there, I could see the heaviness in his expression and the heartache in his eyes. You looked confused as he told you he was sorry but, I think you knew what was happening as he reached to touch your forehead. Your head snapped in my direction, your face falling and shock in your eyes. You knew.

But, sweetheart, Cas didn’t want to wipe your memories--to wash it all away. I begged him to.

The blinding light only flashed for a second and it was over. You blinked several times and looked around, unsure of where you were. You peered up at Cas and asked every question you could think of. He assured you that you would be okay and that you had just been in an accident. You thanked him as he left.

As he found me once again in the hall, he reached a hand out to me in comfort. But, all I did was thank him and turn to walk away. I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. I quietly cried as I quickly moved to the elevator, wanting to get out of there as fast as possible. I couldn’t bear to look at you again.

It’s been a month since I let you go. The days feel like weeks and the weeks just rip me apart. Losing you has been like losing a part of me. I know that I did what I had to do--I know that. So, why does it feel like the biggest mistake of my life? 

Even the rain is a reminder that you’re gone.

I look at my phone to check the time and see missed texts from Sammy. I’m not in the mood to talk no matter how much he wants me to.

When I go to put it back in my pocket, it slips from my hand and falls onto the wet concrete. I mutter a curse under my breath, pick it up and wipe it clean on my coat. But, as I’m ready to leave, my heart sinks as my eyes fall on the woman sitting inside the bar. It’s you. 

I feel sick, terrified, heartbroken, but desperate to run in after you. Maybe, I could just say hi. Maybe, I could just talk to you one more time.

So, I gather what little courage I have and exhale a sharp breath before reaching for the door. But, I freeze as I see you sitting next to someone. He had said something to make you laugh and you threw your head back. I used to make you laugh like that. He took your hand in his and looks at you like you were the only woman in the world. I used to look at you like that. And then he leaned in to kiss you and you kiss him back. ...I used to kiss you like that.

It’s over and I know it. You had moved on with a normal life just like I had wanted you to. You had met someone new and seemed happy--that’s all I ever hoped to give you.

You both stand up and move towards the door to leave, so I turn my back away from you as he ushers you outside. I can hear you giggle with a familiar squeal over the pouring rain and he offers you his coat. But, you only thank him and say, “it’s okay, I always loved the rain.”

As you both hurry away and disappear down the block with his arm around you, I watch another man take you away from me. I know this was my choice. I know that I did this because I loved you–-because I still love you.

And as I stand alone, staring into the distance, I know my life--just like the rain, will never be the same.


End file.
